The McGangbang: The Burger, The Legend

April 30, 2010 at 3:55 pm (St. Jason) (, , , , , , , )

Act I: The Legend

Greatness, few men achieve a status that at the end of their life they can look back and know they made a difference.  Justin Timberlake, Samuel L. Jackson, Superman, Jesus, Fergie,  those are the names that we think of when we think of legends, people who came into the world destined for something more.  Now we can add one more to that list and that is the McDonald’s in College Station next to the Callaway House and their love child the McGangbang.

“What is a McGangbang?”

A McGangbang is the Michael Jordan of sandwiches, and is also known as the McGB (pronounced Mac-Gee-Bee) or sometimes to the rare few that know it’s quality, the Jesus.  It is the combination of a Double Cheeseburger in which a Spicy McChicken patty is placed lovingly between the two meet patties.  The combination costs $2.12 and will appear on your recite as if you bought a Double Cheeseburger and Spicy McChicken, but it shall be ordered by the proper name of the “McGB”.  Upon ingesting the McGangbang it is common to feel a sense of calm and clarity.  Buddhists call this feeling nirvana, alcoholics – a moment of clarity, Christians – being born again but most call it McGreatness.

It’s not clear where the McGangbang first came into creation there are many of story told in the hallowed halls of that McDonald’s but here are a couple of the most probable.

The McMistake

Legend has it that it was a particularly busy night at the Callaway House McDonalds with finals just being over and students drinking as if there was no tomorrow.  They were getting a lot of orders for Spicy McChicken’s and Double Cheeseburgers and in the exhaustive pace of the evening one employee accidentally slipped a McChicken patty between the meats of a Double Cheeseburger.  What happened next is unclear but what is generally said by those legendary few that claimed they were there that night is the following.  The patron who received this eucharist marched straight to the front counter and asked, “What do you call this beautiful creation.”  The employee bewildered and overworked simply said “I don’t know the McGangbang I guess?” the patron then said “I will have 15 McGangbangs sir.”  Others standing by were curious and began ordering the sandwich as well, and and American legend was born.

The 12th Man

The other legend told by those who claimed to have been there is said to have taken place on a slow Wednesday night on the Holy McDonald’s.  There were said to be 10 people quietly enjoying there meals when a couple of young gentlemen who had been Ph.D Engineering students walked in blazed on the reefer.  The two men (some legends has them as women, they are normally referred to as the Chosen Two) were starving and couldn’t decide between the Double Cheeseburger and the Spicy McChicken.  They stood in line for a long time until one finally said to the employee, “What if instead of just one or the other you could give us a Double Cheeseburger and slide a Spicy McChicken patty between the meats?”  Naturally the employee thought the idea laughable, “I can’t be done! there is no button on this register for such a creation! the taste would kill a grown man!”  Not one to let his hunger win he suggested “What if you rang it up as a Spicy McChicken and a Double Cheeseburger, I’ll take the loss of bun and will order 12 of these sandwiches for every one in this store just to make sure it is safe.”  The employee looked down at their register, at the men, at the cooks, and then at the ground and quietly said, “It shall be done.”  The employee explained what was to be done to the cooks and in a few short minutes 12 McGangbangs were wrapped and served to the Legendary 12 (there is a statue commemorating this man and is bravery out side of Kyle Field).  The 12 ate and slowly realized what they had stumbled upon and how great of a sandwich it really was.  “What should we call it?” asked the employee still in a daze over the experience.  Soft but firmly declared from the back of the restaurant a child wearing all white declared, “The McGangbang, it shall be named The McGangbang.”  The 12 went home and each told 2 more who then told 2 more until the word had spread across the entire campus and the McGangbang was born.

Act II: The Impact

It didn’t take long to spread but once it did the McGangbang was unstoppable.  The managers tried to stop the sandwich by not severing it by its Jellicle name but rather would only serve it if called a McGB.  But censorship could not stop the sandwich, as drunken masses came off of Northgate to eat a sandwich which satisfaction could ne’er be told.  Like warm water and cold air coming together as a perfect storm the tasty double meat and cheese patties and spicy tenderness of the McChicken combine to a storm that no levees of taste buds can withhold.  Friends who have been fighting for years are able to put aside there differences over the common goodness of the sandwich.  Women who have been infertile their entire life are said to not only conceive but leave the McDonald’s 2 months pregnant.   Meth addicts are able to put down the pipe and stop giving 5 dollar handjobs in the parking lot behind IHOP after just one bite of spicy chicken and beef.   It’s effects are not completely understood but never denied.

Act III: The Future

Where do we go from here? Where did we go once we had discovered fire, crossed the Atlantic, set a man on the moon, created internet porn?  Where did we go once we have achieved real greatness.  The path from here is unknown like those pioneers who bravely crossed the unknown terrain of the new world we are once again left to wonder where do we go from here.  Some have tried combination of meat and chicken patties with so-so results left depressed and uncertain.  I say fear not, when KFC can make a chicken sandwich that replaces bread with fried chicken there will never an end to what man kind can achieve.  Whether it be putting a man on Mars or a meat patty made entirely of bacon man kind will make that next step and the future will reamain to be bright and delicious.

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