Lifetime — Television for Spinsters

May 3, 2010 at 5:08 pm (Rachael) (, )

I have an addiction to Lifetime movies. There, I’ve said it.

There is just something about a good Lifetime movie that just feels right. It doesn’t matter if you have bills to pay or your geranium is dying or you’re sitting alone in your apartment watching a Lifetime movie and eating a whole box of Girl Scout cookies. Lifetime movies are there to say, “Cheer up! It could be worse. You could have a nanny who’s trying to kill you or have a son who is addicted to watching internet porn or have a husband who is slowly poisoning you to make you look crazy so he can steal all of your money.”

There have been some pretty amazing Lifetime movies in my recent past (i.e., last week), both ridiculously horrible and ridiculously amazing. Let’s visit some of them, shall we?

Cyber Seduction : His Secret Life

Fresh off of the live action version of “Peter Pan,” Jeremy Sumpter plays a boy who succumbs to the wild and crazy world of internet porn. He watches it constantly. He drinks red bull to stay awake at night so he has more time to watch porn, he uses his Jesus Freak girlfriend’s smartphone to look at sexy pictures, he has random videotapes of porn hidden away in his drawer. His mother is of course concerned, because porn leads him down a dark and dangerous road, straaaaight to the house of a girl who is rumored to be of a loose moral nature. It. Is. Awesome.

The Pregnancy Pact

Based on a true story, “The Pregnancy Pact” is about a group of high school girls who vow to all become teenage mothers together so that they can raise their babies together and dress them in cute outfits. Oh, and they don’t tell their boyfriends that they’re trying to get pregnant. Do you even need to hear more?

Prayers for Bobby

Let’s have a moment of silence for the boxes and boxes of Kleenexes that were used during my viewing of the movie.

This movie is based on the life of Mary Griffith and her son, Bobby, who killed himself when faced with his mother’s religious intolerance about his homosexuality. When Bobby tells his older brother that he think he might be gay, the rest of the family learns to accept him, but Mary can’t look enough past her Bible to see that he is still her son, and is determined to “cure” him. Ooooooh, the tears. After Bobby commits suicide, Mary has to come to terms with her part in his death. Even MORE tears.

While the Children Sleep

Now. I’m not planning on having children. But if I was, I know from my Lifetime movies that hiring a nanny or some sort of live-in babysitter is NEVER a good idea. They are usually homicidal but always crazy.

Case in point: in this movie, the family hires a babysitter and people around them start having horrible, mysterious accidents. Until the babysitter goes completely batshit and tries to kill the mother. It turns out that the father, who is a lawyer, had rescused the babysitter from her abusive mother when the babysitter was a young girl, and she’s been in love with him ever since. Creepy. The babysitter is also played by the actress who plays Lorena on “True Blood,” so I kept expecting her to vamp out and kill people.

Fifteen And Pregnant

Kirsten Dunst is fifteen. And she is pregnant. The end.

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