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December 2, 2009 at 12:03 am (Trina) (, , , )

I live in the live music capital city of the world, have lived in the live music capital of the world for the past two and a half years. Yet somehow I’ve managed to skip out on live music for the most part. BUT. TONIGHT. METRIC.

I never had a credit card until I started grad school, and I am proud to say I put myself further into debt just so I could see this show. It was a flashback to my college glory days. Ha I’m just kidding. It was a flashback to my freshman year of college, and there was not a second of glory. (I’m in library school, what do you expect?) Though Emily Haines sings much better in the studio than she does live, there was still a definite energy there, and there was also a lot of sweaty, filthy grossness. Love it! It has been a while since I’ve been to a show where I was so sweaty and claustrophobic that passing out seemed likely, but therein lies that sense of nostalgia! Also, until some creepy-ass weirdo has undressed you [and your boyfriend] with his eyes, you just haven’t lived.

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Certain Qualms That Arise When Dating a Woman With a Penis

November 23, 2009 at 12:25 pm (SomethingFunny, William Loftis)

So I recently went out with this unbelievably amazing person. She is funny, beautiful, could be one of the guys but always a lady… With the exception that she has a penis. Now at first, yes, I was weirded out and went running for the hills. But in today’s society, have we not gotten over our own bigotry and insecurity with people who are different? Plus, I was the only one that knew she had a penis and with everything that is perfect about her I feel that this is a secret we can keep tucked away. So I gave it a shot. However, almost immediately after our first-second date (we saw Must Love Dogs, only my sixth time but his/her first!) I noticed that this little birdie might get in the way of some things. So I have started compiling a pro’s and con’s list, alot like Ross did on Friends except with penises, to help me decide whether or not I truly can spend the rest of my days with a beautiful lady and her overshadowing chubby.

Con’s

  • Do you really have to drink from the carton?
  • Oh no! He/she is a Packers fan… Sundays are going to be ugly.
  • He/she pees all over the toilet seat.
  • When she is on her period, her PMS is multiplied and enhanced by her male testosterone giving her the strength, anger, and sadness of a cyborg that thought itself a human only to find out it was built as a war machine and now it destroys everything out of anger and fear. Seriously, I’m scared.
  • Children? Can you poop babies?
  • Doesn’t clean facial hair out of the sink.
  • Doesn’t understand that women aren’t suppose to speak until spoken to or the man has left the room. I think this might have something to do with the penis because he/she also feels a need to have opinions. Something clearly reserved for man. More research needed.
  • Can I at least finish Must Love Dogs before you want to have sex?
  • Irrational fear of commitment.
  • Put the toilet seat down!
  • Doesn’t hide toots.
  • Who is going to cook and clean?

Pro’s

  • Never having to ask for anal sex.

Con’s

  • Never having to ask for anal sex.

In conclusion, I will miss you Rick. Please, come get your nose hair trimmers and Miley Cyrus wig.

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Ooh la la

November 20, 2009 at 3:15 am (Trina) (, , , , )

Number One:

Who has two thumbs and has the Manatee Rescue Line programmed into her cell phone? This girl. (Oh, you’d like it for yourself? 1.888.404.3922. Use it.)

Number Two:

Parking Meter V. Trina

Who the eff decided these new parking meters were a good idea?

image of a parking meter

Ok, so this picture isn’t from Austin, and it doesn’t actually tell you what the parking meters look like, but I feel your pain whoever you are (louisa_catlover on Flickr) because holy hell those things are awful. Here’s what happens when you replace coin operated parking meters:

  1. Trina becomes an angry bear
  2. More stickers = more litter = aren’t we trying to not do the whole litter thing?
  3. Trina has to leave her class in the middle of a lecture in order to feed the meter, pays the meter, then realizes after sprinting all the way to the meter that she doesn’t have her keys, so she can’t replace the parking meter sticker on the inside of her car.

So this story is pretty much the most exciting thing that has happened to me in like four months. So goes library school…

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Manatees: Nature’s Worst Animal

November 19, 2009 at 11:36 pm (St. Jason) (, , , , , , )

When we hear about an animal getting on the endangered species list we are usually filled with a variety of emotions. Sometimes we are forced to look at the how sprawl has destroyed their natural habitat. Sometimes we are forced to look at the business of poaching and its detrimental effects to all ready rare animals. But every once in a while, as in the case of the Manatee, it is caused by the animal it self being to dumb to live. You see Manatee’s are dying off and not for good reasons like eating their penis will give you special sex powers, or that the land they live on is much better suited for a strip mall than a rain forest. No Manatee’s are dying because boats are running over them and killing them. That’s right this slow moving creature is to dumb to get out of the way of a slow moving 300,000 ton freight ship.

To understand the Manatee we have to look at its history.

First, is the name Manatee which comes from the Latin root “antee” and “ma” which means “to fucking stupid to get out of the way of a boat”. They were first called this back in the 1600’s when ships leaving Brittan noticed a large animal running head first into their boats. At first they thought that the animal was some how attracted to the boats size and they are giant fat ass animals. But it was later discovered that they were just to stupid to get out of the way of even the slowest moving of boats. This began it’s slow decline in numbers.

Manatee’s are often called sea cows, which is sometimes attributed to their large size, peaceful nature, and slow moving actions. This is a often misuse of their nick name. In fact they are called sea cows because they are extremely large, dumb, and like cows we only put up with their bullshit because they are tasty. Except Manatees are not tasty, they in fact taste like a bag of ass holes. Now is the time when you are thinking “Hey wait just a minute there, what about their penis, will eating that give me the power to have sex with a whole bus of sorority girls?” No, in fact eating a Manatee penis will make your dick shrivel up and cause you to be impotent for days.

Manatees are assholes

It is a hard fact to face but manatees are in fact huge, huge assholes. Here is a list of Manatee facts.

 

 

 

 

 

  • Manatees have been connected to the deaths of John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr., and Jesus Christ. It is a little known fact but JFK’s last words were in fact, “Fuck the manatees, fuck them right in the face”.
  • Manatees have also been connected to acts of terrorism such as being informants to the 9/11 attacks as well as providing the financial backing for the movie Vantage Point and every single Paris Hilton movie.
  • Manatees are also known to punch babies right in the face any time they see them. That right babies, manatees hate babies more than anything in the world except possibly kittens and puppies.
  • Manatees are anti-semitic. One of Hitler’s favorite activities was riding around on manatees during his spare time. For a manatee the greatest honor you could have was to be ridden by Hitler. Hitler.
  • All Manatees are card holding republicans who watch the Glen Beck show every single day.
  • The Swine flu can be traced back to a enzyme found only in Manatee urine, they polluted our water with on purpose, because they are ass holes.

What can we do?

It is hard because no matter how much we try to drive this beast of Satan off the planet they still seem to find a way to survive. Whether it be on the endangered species list, living at sea world, or stealing money from poor children, Manatees are a master of staying alive. Our only hope is to run them down with boats. Yes, it may seem cruel but the reality is that every time you run a Manatee over with a boat an angel gets its wings. Also flip them off at sea world. Let them know you know and that you don’t approve of such a douchbag animal residing with such badass animals as dolphins and whales.

It’s going to be a long road but we can do it if we stick together and keep driving boats as we normally would, because of course this animal is to stupid to avoid them. So let’s stop this animal before it is too late, unless you support Hitler and punching babies. Which is basically what you are saying if you support them. You don’t love Hitler and punching babies do you? I didn’t think so, full steam ahead my friends!

-St. Jason

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Welcome to the Wonderful World

November 18, 2009 at 10:22 pm (Dream Team) (, , , )

Let there be light!

This is the first post of the blog by the dream team. “You mean the 1992 Olympic Basketball team?” No, better. This is the conglomerate blog of Jason, Will, and Trina. The dream team met while attending Texas A&M University and since then have been on a non-stop crusade to fight dragons and evil in the world.

You see fighting Dragons and Evil leads to a lot of interesting stories so one day the Dream Team decided they should share these thoughts with the world so that those underprivileged enough not to have fought a four headed hobo with a spear could live that experience, vicariously, through the Dream Team. The Dream Team goal is to blow your face off with stories and magic.

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