Certain Qualms That Arise When Dating a Woman With a Penis

November 23, 2009 at 12:25 pm (SomethingFunny, William Loftis)

So I recently went out with this unbelievably amazing person. She is funny, beautiful, could be one of the guys but always a lady… With the exception that she has a penis. Now at first, yes, I was weirded out and went running for the hills. But in today’s society, have we not gotten over our own bigotry and insecurity with people who are different? Plus, I was the only one that knew she had a penis and with everything that is perfect about her I feel that this is a secret we can keep tucked away. So I gave it a shot. However, almost immediately after our first-second date (we saw Must Love Dogs, only my sixth time but his/her first!) I noticed that this little birdie might get in the way of some things. So I have started compiling a pro’s and con’s list, alot like Ross did on Friends except with penises, to help me decide whether or not I truly can spend the rest of my days with a beautiful lady and her overshadowing chubby.

Con’s

  • Do you really have to drink from the carton?
  • Oh no! He/she is a Packers fan… Sundays are going to be ugly.
  • He/she pees all over the toilet seat.
  • When she is on her period, her PMS is multiplied and enhanced by her male testosterone giving her the strength, anger, and sadness of a cyborg that thought itself a human only to find out it was built as a war machine and now it destroys everything out of anger and fear. Seriously, I’m scared.
  • Children? Can you poop babies?
  • Doesn’t clean facial hair out of the sink.
  • Doesn’t understand that women aren’t suppose to speak until spoken to or the man has left the room. I think this might have something to do with the penis because he/she also feels a need to have opinions. Something clearly reserved for man. More research needed.
  • Can I at least finish Must Love Dogs before you want to have sex?
  • Irrational fear of commitment.
  • Put the toilet seat down!
  • Doesn’t hide toots.
  • Who is going to cook and clean?

Pro’s

  • Never having to ask for anal sex.

Con’s

  • Never having to ask for anal sex.

In conclusion, I will miss you Rick. Please, come get your nose hair trimmers and Miley Cyrus wig.

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