I have an addiction to Lifetime movies. There, I’ve said it.
There is just something about a good Lifetime movie that just feels right. It doesn’t matter if you have bills to pay or your geranium is dying or you’re sitting alone in your apartment watching a Lifetime movie and eating a whole box of Girl Scout cookies. Lifetime movies are there to say, “Cheer up! It could be worse. You could have a nanny who’s trying to kill you or have a son who is addicted to watching internet porn or have a husband who is slowly poisoning you to make you look crazy so he can steal all of your money.”
There have been some pretty amazing Lifetime movies in my recent past (i.e., last week), both ridiculously horrible and ridiculously amazing. Let’s visit some of them, shall we?
Cyber Seduction : His Secret Life
Fresh off of the live action version of “Peter Pan,” Jeremy Sumpter plays a boy who succumbs to the wild and crazy world of internet porn. He watches it constantly. He drinks red bull to stay awake at night so he has more time to watch porn, he uses his Jesus Freak girlfriend’s smartphone to look at sexy pictures, he has random videotapes of porn hidden away in his drawer. His mother is of course concerned, because porn leads him down a dark and dangerous road, straaaaight to the house of a girl who is rumored to be of a loose moral nature. It. Is. Awesome.
The Pregnancy Pact
Based on a true story, “The Pregnancy Pact” is about a group of high school girls who vow to all become teenage mothers together so that they can raise their babies together and dress them in cute outfits. Oh, and they don’t tell their boyfriends that they’re trying to get pregnant. Do you even need to hear more?
Prayers for Bobby
Let’s have a moment of silence for the boxes and boxes of Kleenexes that were used during my viewing of the movie.
This movie is based on the life of Mary Griffith and her son, Bobby, who killed himself when faced with his mother’s religious intolerance about his homosexuality. When Bobby tells his older brother that he think he might be gay, the rest of the family learns to accept him, but Mary can’t look enough past her Bible to see that he is still her son, and is determined to “cure” him. Ooooooh, the tears. After Bobby commits suicide, Mary has to come to terms with her part in his death. Even MORE tears.
While the Children Sleep
Now. I’m not planning on having children. But if I was, I know from my Lifetime movies that hiring a nanny or some sort of live-in babysitter is NEVER a good idea. They are usually homicidal but always crazy.
Case in point: in this movie, the family hires a babysitter and people around them start having horrible, mysterious accidents. Until the babysitter goes completely batshit and tries to kill the mother. It turns out that the father, who is a lawyer, had rescused the babysitter from her abusive mother when the babysitter was a young girl, and she’s been in love with him ever since. Creepy. The babysitter is also played by the actress who plays Lorena on “True Blood,” so I kept expecting her to vamp out and kill people.
Fifteen And Pregnant
Kirsten Dunst is fifteen. And she is pregnant. The end.
Greatness, few men achieve a status that at the end of their life they can look back and know they made a difference. Justin Timberlake, Samuel L. Jackson, Superman, Jesus, Fergie, those are the names that we think of when we think of legends, people who came into the world destined for something more. Now we can add one more to that list and that is the McDonald’s in College Station next to the Callaway House and their love child the McGangbang.
“What is a McGangbang?”
A McGangbang is the Michael Jordan of sandwiches, and is also known as the McGB (pronounced Mac-Gee-Bee) or sometimes to the rare few that know it’s quality, the Jesus. It is the combination of a Double Cheeseburger in which a Spicy McChicken patty is placed lovingly between the two meet patties. The combination costs $2.12 and will appear on your recite as if you bought a Double Cheeseburger and Spicy McChicken, but it shall be ordered by the proper name of the “McGB”. Upon ingesting the McGangbang it is common to feel a sense of calm and clarity. Buddhists call this feeling nirvana, alcoholics – a moment of clarity, Christians – being born again but most call it McGreatness.
It’s not clear where the McGangbang first came into creation there are many of story told in the hallowed halls of that McDonald’s but here are a couple of the most probable.
Legend has it that it was a particularly busy night at the Callaway House McDonalds with finals just being over and students drinking as if there was no tomorrow. They were getting a lot of orders for Spicy McChicken’s and Double Cheeseburgers and in the exhaustive pace of the evening one employee accidentally slipped a McChicken patty between the meats of a Double Cheeseburger. What happened next is unclear but what is generally said by those legendary few that claimed they were there that night is the following. The patron who received this eucharist marched straight to the front counter and asked, “What do you call this beautiful creation.” The employee bewildered and overworked simply said “I don’t know the McGangbang I guess?” the patron then said “I will have 15 McGangbangs sir.” Others standing by were curious and began ordering the sandwich as well, and and American legend was born.
The 12th Man
The other legend told by those who claimed to have been there is said to have taken place on a slow Wednesday night on the Holy McDonald’s. There were said to be 10 people quietly enjoying there meals when a couple of young gentlemen who had been Ph.D Engineering students walked in blazed on the reefer. The two men (some legends has them as women, they are normally referred to as the Chosen Two) were starving and couldn’t decide between the Double Cheeseburger and the Spicy McChicken. They stood in line for a long time until one finally said to the employee, “What if instead of just one or the other you could give us a Double Cheeseburger and slide a Spicy McChicken patty between the meats?” Naturally the employee thought the idea laughable, “I can’t be done! there is no button on this register for such a creation! the taste would kill a grown man!” Not one to let his hunger win he suggested “What if you rang it up as a Spicy McChicken and a Double Cheeseburger, I’ll take the loss of bun and will order 12 of these sandwiches for every one in this store just to make sure it is safe.” The employee looked down at their register, at the men, at the cooks, and then at the ground and quietly said, “It shall be done.” The employee explained what was to be done to the cooks and in a few short minutes 12 McGangbangs were wrapped and served to the Legendary 12 (there is a statue commemorating this man and is bravery out side of Kyle Field). The 12 ate and slowly realized what they had stumbled upon and how great of a sandwich it really was. “What should we call it?” asked the employee still in a daze over the experience. Soft but firmly declared from the back of the restaurant a child wearing all white declared, “The McGangbang, it shall be named The McGangbang.” The 12 went home and each told 2 more who then told 2 more until the word had spread across the entire campus and the McGangbang was born.
Act II: The Impact
It didn’t take long to spread but once it did the McGangbang was unstoppable. The managers tried to stop the sandwich by not severing it by its Jellicle name but rather would only serve it if called a McGB. But censorship could not stop the sandwich, as drunken masses came off of Northgate to eat a sandwich which satisfaction could ne’er be told. Like warm water and cold air coming together as a perfect storm the tasty double meat and cheese patties and spicy tenderness of the McChicken combine to a storm that no levees of taste buds can withhold. Friends who have been fighting for years are able to put aside there differences over the common goodness of the sandwich. Women who have been infertile their entire life are said to not only conceive but leave the McDonald’s 2 months pregnant. Meth addicts are able to put down the pipe and stop giving 5 dollar handjobs in the parking lot behind IHOP after just one bite of spicy chicken and beef. It’s effects are not completely understood but never denied.
Act III: The Future
Where do we go from here? Where did we go once we had discovered fire, crossed the Atlantic, set a man on the moon, created internet porn? Where did we go once we have achieved real greatness. The path from here is unknown like those pioneers who bravely crossed the unknown terrain of the new world we are once again left to wonder where do we go from here. Some have tried combination of meat and chicken patties with so-so results left depressed and uncertain. I say fear not, when KFC can make a chicken sandwich that replaces bread with fried chicken there will never an end to what man kind can achieve. Whether it be putting a man on Mars or a meat patty made entirely of bacon man kind will make that next step and the future will reamain to be bright and delicious.
Rarely does an artist come out with an album that is truly complete shit. There are very few I have heard that beyond the radio single have no redeeming quality but Ke$ha has managed to do so. I think the best way to get this done is to just start from the top.
Your Love is My Drug
First song, not so bad. The auto tune wears on you by the end of it but you are left thinking surely this auto tune will not be on the whole album right? Lyrics aren’t great but at least I did enjoy the hook.
Take it Off
I skipped this song half way through because it was slow and I wanted to get to Tik Tok.
I like this song, its catchy as all hell and fast enough where her auto tuning doesn’t bother you.
I did listen to Kiss N Tell and was begining to fear the worse, it was a shitty song so I went back to Tik Tok after it was done to clear the taste from my mouth but Stephen is where the album gets epically bad. First off the auto tune is now officially annoying but more so this song is horrible. We go from the dance club fuck every one theme from Tik Tok and Kiss N Tell and go to this sappy ball of shit. It sounds like early Britney Spears but less mature, no that wasn’t a mistyping it really is less mature than early Britney Spears. The rest of the album is like this too where it goes from immature brush my teeth with Jack to immature a 14 year old angsty girl.
Wow, just wow. This is the ballad and wow is it bad. It has a real resemblance to Avril Lavinge’s I’m With You but it’s Ke$ha so it’s edgy! The chorus is “I’m just hung-over you”, yes its a love song with the metaphor being a alcohol induced hangover. No, I am not making this shit up. I mean you can’t possibly take it serious.
Party at a Rich Dude’s House
Yes you guessed it that’s the chorus and the song doesn’t get any better from there.
Spoiler alert she spells out dinosaur in the song and I try to jab my ear drums out so I don’t have to listen to that shit any more.
We reach the end of the CD and this might have been my favorite song, not for quality but when I heard it I knew I wouldn’t have to listen to the CD any more. Rarely do artists not just give a fuck but this CD is the same quality of soulja boy’s souljaboytellem.com where you can clearly tell she had a single planned and they just threw the rest of it together as fast as possible to strike while the iron was hot. CD’s like this are good examples of why the music industry is suffering and why putting out quality instead of the quick buck is beneficial.
Gone Too Soon
(best if read to Dead and Gone by T.I. Featuring Justin Timberlake)
It has been a good sweet ride beard but our time has to end due to refinery safety regulations involving facial hair and wearing a breathing mask. We both know that the real safety risk that you caused was being just a little too awesome. You came during No Shave November and hung around through Furry February and Manly March. You were even planning to go the distance and make it through Ape Like April. But alas like Michael Jackson and Crystal Pepsi you are gone too soon. Sure you’ll be back in roughly two weeks when I am done working in Beaumont but until then you will just have to remain in our hearts. We pour one out to you beard and remember the bearded men like Aberham Lincoln, Mr. T, and Gandolf who made having a beard a sign of strength and intelligence. In the immortal words of Plato “I beard, therefore I am”
The Hulk Hogan
As normally when I shave my facial hair I do a couple of impressions before I take it all off. This time I began with the Hulk Hogan, brother. Because while his hair may fade and stomach may protrude Hulk Hogan’s Mustache remains the same.
The “Charlie Chaplin”
I don’t even control making this one anymore it seems like every time I shave my beard I automatically seem to leave out a small patch.
Are you obsessed with Jersey Shore? Can’t get enough tanning, teasing, and fist pumping? You’re in luck, Pauly D is coming to DJ at the Vintage Lounge in Houston March 13. For only $25, you can enjoy all that Pauly’s hair has to offer.
Seriously, who’s in??
And until then, here are a few gems to keep you warm. Have any more? Post ’em in the comments!
I consider myself a pretty big fan of Star Wars and my favorite out of all six movies if Episode I. Yeah I said it, Episode I, the one with Jar Jar Binks, the one with little baby Darth Vader, and the one most fans consider the beginning in a series of backyard abortions. When I tell people this I usually get dumbfounded looks as if it simply isn’t possible that this movie could be someone’s favorite. They say, “Jason you are a well endowed nerd with other respectable tastes, how can you like Episode I so much?” Well allow me to explain.
First of all to understand we must take a trip back in time to the year 1999, when Britney was sane and stealing out hearts, there were two world trade center towers, and probably the most anticipated movie ever came out. The hype for Episode I lasted for years, from the very first announcement. Fact, when the first teaser trailer came out when many people paid full price to see whatever movie it was on and left after the trailer. That shit happened and every one, old fans and new were stoked. For me this was the first time I had gotten interested in Star Wars on a whole. Before this the only Star Wars movie I had seen was Return of the Jedi the Special Edition when it had been in theaters, and that’s it. So while Episode I was getting hyped I got hyped as well and finally went back and saw the original three and before you know it I was a Star Wars fan. So when Episode I finally came out I was blown away and it has been my favorite ever since.
Why should we like Episode I
First of all we need to be honest with ourselves and admit when it came out we all thought this movie was the shit. Yeah Jar Jar was annoying as fuck but in 1999 this movie was the best looking movie available. Not only that but we were introduced to some really cool shit that really expanded the Star Wars Universe
1) Queen Amidala
That’s right let’s cut the shit and get straight to the top reason. Now you hipster fucks will claim you knew of Natalie Portman before Star Wars from her role in Leon: The Professional but they are full of shit. The reason we all watched The Professional was we liked her so much after Star Wars we wanted to see any other movie she was in. Now I’m not saying she wouldn’t be a movie star had it not been for Star Wars but I can say she wouldn’t be the actress Goddess she is without it. So next time you are watching The Darjeeling Limited, and by “watching it” I mean only watching the intro on a loop because Natalie is naked in it, you remember why we lust after her and how she became the nerd goddess she is.
2) Double Sided Light Saber
Do you remember that shit! I specifically remember the first trailer they showed with Darth Maul’s double edge light saber and I remember immediately sporting a boner. It is things like a double sided light saber and the lancer from gears of war where the idea is so simple and so unbelievably amazing that I somehow would have never thought of this on my own. The double ended light saber is a stable in the Star Wars Universe now in games like The Force Unleashed and the Clone Wars Series but remember we got it in Episode I first.
3) Pod Racing
When we first got a surround sound system for our house do you want to know how we tested it out? Popped in Star Wars Episode I and skipped straight to the Pod Racing scene and boners were had by all. It’s fast and intense and when I was very first in saw this in the theater I remember knowing immediately this was going to be one of my favorite parts of any Star Wars movie.
4) Samuel L. Jackson
Samuel Mother Fucking L. Jackson.
5) Real Light Saber Battles
So looking back at the original three Star Wars movies the amount of actual light saber fighting action is actually pretty low. In the first movie there is probably less than 3 minutes of light saber action the entire film. This partially due to the technology at the time, in A New Hope they try to make all scenes with the light sabers turning on off camera so they can give a chance to switch out the props for the actors. So what did George Lucas do when the technology had caught up and he could have a fluid on off light saber scene? He put that shit in as much as possible and if was fucking awesome. Every scene they bust that shit out and when they hit someone with it they don’t just fall down, the mother fuckers get cut in half! When Qui Gon Jin and Obi Wan double team Darth Maul that is the first real balls to the wall light saber battle in the series.
Why is this movie hated?
I think the problem most people really have with this movie is a classic case of people trying to seem like captain badass. Scenario, I’m out chilling wearing a Metallica shirt and someone comes up and says, “Hey by the bulge in your pants it looks like you are packing at least 12 inches and I dig your shirt what is your favorite Metallica Album?” The correct answer would be Kill ‘Em All or you could get away with Master of Puppets, however if I were to say Death Magnetic I would be shamed and considered not a real fan. This shit happens all the time. If you don’t like some ones original work and weren’t a fan from the start then you are considered an outcast and will be shunned. This is bullshit and when someone tells you someone’s first album or movie is their favorite you should immediately be aware that they have not listened to any of that artist new material and they are in fact full of shit.
The real problem I have with people’s hate of the prequels is they were considered great by fans of all types when they came out. It wasn’t till a few years after the third one that the fuck the prequels bandwagon began. Did they have flaws? Yeah they did Hayden Christensen is a whiny bitch and Jar Jar is annoying but they aren’t deal breaking flaws by any means.
What we Should Hate
A good example of what should you hate is Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. This movie sucked and truly sucked right away. I saw this shit opening weekend and couldn’t have been more excited and all most immediately knew I was being served a shit sandwich. There was no hesitation, no 4 year honeymoon where I said I really enjoyed it, I lasted until Indiana survived a nuclear bomb in a fridge before my opinion had turned. And this is the general opinion of most people, we all saw the movie and knew it was crap.
Now I’m not saying that everyone should like Episode I as much as I do. A lot of you grew up on the originals and it will all ways hold a special place for you and nothing is going to change that. My generation didn’t experience the original three in theaters and I know if I had I would have that nostalgia that so many who did see them have. But regardless of which is your favorite movie you should be able to realize that that Episode I and the other two prequels had a significant impact on the Star Wars universe and add to it for the better.
Now it is no surprise that I am a fan of Zombies. I play Left 4 Dead, read the Zombie Survival Guide, have written tips on the Zombie Apocalypse, and have seen most Zombie movies made. So was I excited about Zombieland? Hell yes I was, excited was an understatement, I had been waiting to see this movie since the first trailer. Usually this anticipation only leads to a letdown am my expectations become far too high. So when the midnight release of Zombieland came I was ready to be let down but was I? Not in the slightest! Woody Harrelson, who I don’t even like in most of his work, was amazing. The story was fresh and hilarious, with many laugh out loud moments. The comedy in this movie doesn’t distract from the core of this being a zombie movie which leaves you a movie with even that even the biggest Zombie fan can be proud of.
Based on what is considered the greatest graphic novel of all time Zach Snyder really does this movie justice. Even with a different ending watching the movie really gives you the same feel as if you were reading the novel. It is a fresh look at super hero stories and really gives a sense of humanity to the people behind the masks.
3) District 9
So this movie was again a surprise to me. I assumed it would be another white guilt, I mean it was set it Jo-berg Africa for Christ sake. However what District 9 was, was a solid sci-fi movie that not only dealt with the issue of apartheid but had a really strong story to back it up.
5) Star Trek
I’m not going to be surprise in the least when this gets nominated for best picture at the Oscars. Pixar really upped their game with this movie (see what I did with the “upped”). While still silly and fun for small children this movie had a heartbreaking story inside of it that made it seriously enjoyable for adults as well. This film is really going to go far in making a case that animated films deserve a shot at the awards.
Miyazaki could take a dump on film and I would probably still love it. Studio Ghibli delivers every single time.
9) Will Ferrell: You’re Welcome America
I laughed so hard during this I threw up a little in my mouth.
Biggest Disappointments/Worst Movies
1) I Love You Man
3) Ninja Assassin
4) Blood: The Last Vampire
These are movies that came out in 2009 that I haven’t seen yet but are probably good and would have made my list if I had.
1) Inglorious Basterds
2) Up in the Air
3) Fantastic Mr. Fox
4) The Hangover
FACT: This is a real poodle.
FACT: This real poodle is the proud second place champion of the 2009 Creative Grooming Award.
FACT: This means that there is a first place winner out there, more ridiculous than….
Cindy, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Poodle
First I know what you are thinking, “Jason you are biased! You don’t even like books!” False. I have read several books, including all seven Harry Potter books and at least two other books besides that, so I feel my judgment is fair.
We are in a new age of technology and frankly books are an archaic form of communication that should be eliminated. Sure it’s fun to pretend that a 12’ record sounds better, that 35mm film looks more authentic, or that a typewriter is more better to type on. The truth is that technology gave us better ways to do this and the only people that want this old technology are hipsters who will think anything is cool if no one is doing it. Throw away your crappy scratched up Beatles LP and be happy that we have the technology to digitally remaster it so future generations won’t ignore their music because the quality is so shitty. If you wanted to be a hip audiophile you would have bought the 5.1 surround DVD of a classic album but you didn’t and so they stopped making them.
But we aren’t here to talked about dumb hipsters we are here to talk about books, and how much better video games are then them.
First, let’s look at some of the faults that plague books.
They are boring – It’s true and you know it. It is a lot of words and paper and the only picture is the cover! Laaaame. This past weekend I saw Ninja Assassin and they cut a guys head in half with a knife on a chain. Not impressed? Of course not! This is because words can’t describe how badass it is to see a guy’s face cut off only seeing it could give it justice. And what is better than just seeing it? Having the control to make someone else cut their face off.
They are a passive experience – Scenario, you are reading a suspenseful part of a book and the Tom Hanks is about to solve the Da Vinci Code and out of no where Magneto is actually the enemy and all your shit is turned upside down. Now you say to your self “Wow that book was a roller coaster ride! I was at the edge of my seat until the credits rolled!” Now I agree that books can be suspenseful but the fact is that it has a predetermined course and you are really just along for the ride. Sure your imagination can take you so far but reading it will all ways be a barrier that prevents you from becoming completely immersed. Modern Warfare 2. You are a CIA undercover agent and are going along with a terrorist group find your self at an airport as they mow down civilians and you are forced to walk with them. People are screaming and running around and all around you is smoke, explosions, and suitcases being blown up by stray gun fire. Now a book could describe this and tell you how bad you feel and describe the chaos. Or you can be that CIA agent and feel for your self the emotions this brings up first hand.
Is there any hope for books?
Sadly, yes there is still hope and his name is Seth Grahame-Smith. He took a book that is probably one of the worst and yet classic stories of all time and made it good. How? By adding zombies. It is a simple concept, take a shitty book like pride and prejudice and unshitify it adding zombies. Honestly every classic book from The Great Gatsby to The Cat in the Hat should follow suit. Now I didn’t read this book because I don’t read but if I had I’m sure it would have been much much better than the original which I also didn’t read.
The Next Step
So we have these crappy books and we have added zombies, yet what has remained is still a book. The solution is to take the obvious next step in what I call, first person classics. We take classic books and add zombies and then make the experience a first person shooter. Not only will kids line up to get there hands on these classics but they will pay upwards of $60 when you tell them you can get the basic concept of The Scarlet Letter as you blow away puritans and zombies alike as Hester fucks and fights her way through 17th Century Boston wearing a bikini, an “A” tattooed on her double D’s, and two automatic assault rifles. Now that’s a classic I can get behind!
There are many who would say that books are still worth saving and all I have to say to that is your “precious” books have created the Twilight Saga and for that alone I think the medium deserves to die.